Monday, February 15, 2016

Valentines Weekend

i hope you all had a great valentines weekend, we definitely did!  john and i took a ride to half moon bay for, what was initially supposed to be the day, however turned into just lunch.  we are so incredibly indecisive when it comes to trips.  we originally planned to go to lodi's wine and chocolate festival but once the morning rolled around we talked about going to sf, yosemite, or big sur.  we decided on big sur and to take the dogs with us but as we got in the car we then changed our minds to half moon bay.  yes, we are this indecisive.  to be honest, i think we would have been happy going anywhere as long as we got to spend time together.  
i laugh because we never do anything that isn't work.  we always seem to add work onto something that could be easy and fun... for instance, taking our dogs.  our dogs are great, don't get me wrong.  however, they (bailey) leave my car full of dog hair and slobber and i always swear that when i take them somewhere, it is the last time.  
bailey likes to howl at dogs and kids in other cars, which always cracks us up.  but when she is face to face with a dog she isn't as tough.  on the other hand, bella can be so aggressive towards other dogs and of course every single person in half moon bay had a dog with them.  i tried my very best not to let it make me grumpy as she yanked me around, however i had a few moments.  its funny how the littlest things can make you grumpy... or maybe its just me.  bella was barking and pulling me and the wind was so crazy that my hair was in my face and i am trying to hold on to her and scold her although i can't even see because i have hair in my eyes.... this kind of thing.  i'm sure it was incredibly entertaining to watch. 







once we got to half moon bay we realized that, since we had the dogs, we were going to have to order lunch somewhere and eat it on the beach.  luckily we found a super cool walk up cafe and an empty table... what?!?.  we weren't the only ones with this idea, though.  we waited in line for about an hour to order our food.  let me just tell you... it was totally worth it!  john got an amazing crab sandwich and i ordered fish and chips.  our eyes were much larger than our stomachs because we also decided to get clam chowder to share but ended up only being able to eat a few bites. bailey helped us out though.  you can always count on her to help eat, when needed.  or even when you don't want her to.  her latest trick was to open a child proof container and eat an entire bottle of gummy prenatal vitamins.  yes, this is our day to day life with her.  john and i joked about how she better not get pregnant before i do.  that is pretty much a running joke with us.  if someone on tv is about to get pregnant i always say, "i swear, if she gets pregnant before i do.....!"  don't worry, i only say this about fictional characters, not really people. ;)






it was virtually impossible to get us all in one photo.  bailey was too concerned about our food and bella was too concerned with protecting us from the tiny dog across the street.  





my always working handsome valentine and our begging and slobbery bailey



we decided to head back after lunch since it took us so long to order and because it was so hard with the dogs there.  but, all in all it was a really good day and it's always nice to get away.  john and i were definitely twinning this day.  we had matching jackets, both of us were wearing our ray bans, and we also had on these really rad shirts that my sister got us for christmas.  just incase people didn't already know our professions. ;)






then we got to come home to this!  baby ryan came home on saturday and i am so in love!  i am so excited to have her as my new roomie until their house is done being built.  i am going to get in all the snuggles that i can.  we have a lot of meme and ryan time to catch up on!





Wednesday, February 10, 2016

thank you.


first off, thank you everyone so much for all of the comments, texts, and messages that i received from my last post in regard to our miscarriage.  i really wasn't looking for anything more than to hopefully reach someone that may have or may be going through something similar, but the response that i received from so many amazing people was unbelievable!  all of the comments showing support or even those who spoke out to say that they have gone through a miscarriage also, just goes to show that when people open up, it allows others a pathway to do the same.  often times i think that we hide things that make us feel like we are different or aren't good enough and that is so far from the truth.  truth is, we all walk different roads in life and we all have different struggles.  none of which makes us any less. if anything, all of the different paths make us stronger, smarter, and sometimes even more of an inspiration to others. 


i am sending thoughts and good vibes to all of you that reached out privately to ask questions about fertility or that offered a story of their own.  it really means a lot that you would trust me with your stories. Plus, i think having a great support system is so pivotal when you are dealing with something that may not be the norm.  so thanks for letting me in and also for allowing me to lean on all of you.  
i said it last year, but i really think that this is the year of pregnancy for john and i and also so many of you!  i am trying to have a better attitude about things and just learning to live in the day or each moment that comes.  this is a 100% struggle for me for so many reason, but i am trying my best!  i am going to take medication and appointments in stride and i know that this will all be worth it one day!



in the mean time, i put this outfit on today because the weather is absolutely stunning and it made me realize that i need to seriously get in shape and get a tan!  summer is coming quickly and i feel like i have stored up on food and hibernated the winter away.  time to get out of that mentality.  i can't wait for warmer weather though... i could really use some vitamin d!  also, i think that this top bun thing just may be my new hairstyle for... everyday.  pure laziness, i know!  to be honest... i haven't even washed it today ;)







Tuesday, February 2, 2016

what we never got to announce


i've been thinking about writing this for a while now,  but have thought of every reason why i shouldn't.  maybe it's because i felt that there were much bigger things going on with others that made what happened to us seem insignificant.  maybe it's because people have much larger problems and much more heartache than i could ever imagine.  maybe it was the fact that it was so personal and so painful that i just couldn't find the words.  maybe it was because opening up to people about something like this can be strange. or maybe because i didn't want anyone to think that i wanted their sympathy or comments to make me feel better.  and who knows who will even read this.  maybe people i know, maybe people i don't. it could be people i don't really want to tell.  but, i guess sometimes healing is opening up and if my story can relate to just one person and help them in any way possible, then sure, that would make me feel really good.  especially because in situations such as this, where it happens all the time, yet, it is not talked about, you feel really alone.  and if you are anything like me, you have already been searching the internet for answers or to relate to a story like ours.  

for many of you that have been through this, my heart aches for you. 
today i would have been 15 weeks but, unfortunately soon after finding out i was pregnant, we lost the baby. it was such a heartbreaking situation, something that i still think about every day. 
finding out i was pregnant was shocking, exciting, and scary.  why it was shocking, i don’t know?  i think because we had been trying for so long that at this point, i was just used to all of the negative tests.  in a way, i sort of had a bad attitude about it.  i spent so many months early on thinking that i was pregnant… feeling every pregnancy symptom in the world, yet i wasn’t.  each month, i would tell john  “i think that this is the month!"  i feel this way or that way.  but, after quite a while of the embarrassing and crazy feelings of finding out i wasn’t pregnant and getting my husband excited for nothing, i suddenly stopped doing this.  it was then that i started secretly taking test and not telling him before hand.  i would see the negative, throw it away like it was nothing, and go on with my day.
  
i found out i was pregnant on november 18th. at this point, we had been trying to conceive for 20 months. after a year of trying we were referred to a specialist.  we were then making the drive to sacramento and paying out of pocket cost because, of course, this isn't covered by insurance.  we hadn't made any big fertility decisions yet, just trying another round of clomid.  my 4th round, but the 1st round with a specialist.  i was being monitored closely and to my surprise was told that i had responded really well to the medication.  in fact, too well.  the clomid had overstimulated my ovaries... which makes sense because they give it to women who do not ovulate, however i did not have that problem.  because of this, i had produced 4 follicles.  so technically, 4 eggs.  4 eggs to be fertilized.  we were stoked... and a little nervous at the thought of possibly getting pregnant with multiples.  although, at this point, we just wanted anything!! 

i had a few symptoms of being pregnant.  not the ones i really expected though...so i pretty much blew them off.  i was also pumped full of hormones so i was feeling things that i hadn't really ever felt before.  plus, even though i was hopeful this time because i felt as if we had 4 times the chance of getting pregnant, i still had that negative feeling in the back of my mind telling me to not get excited or get my hopes up.  

the night before i was set to start my period i started spotting.  i was absolutely devastated and frustrated and felt like it was just never going to happen for us.  i cried as i sat in bed next to john and looked up our next step, an iui.  then the next day came and, nothing. then the next. and the next.  i was so confused, however i still never really thought i was pregnant.  i was getting worried though because i needed to drive to sacramento the following morning to start my next round of clomid so i decided i probably needed to test to just make sure it was negative.  well, it wasn't.

i seriously had seconds to prepare for this.  actually i had about 20 months... but seconds to process it.  i looked down at the test that i had laid on the bathroom floor and couldn't believe my eyes.  john was just walking in the door so i hid it quickly trying to think of how, after all this time, i would tell him?  after 20 months of heartache and disappointment and wondering if it would ever happen, how would i tell him that it finally had?!

well, there wasn't anything fancy about it.  when he walked through our bedroom door he said, "hi girls," to me and our dogs.  after, ironically he said, "maybe we should have a baby girl first so i can say "hi" to all my girls.  he then hugged me and i was shaking and started to cry when he pulled me away to ask what was wrong.  i didn't plan anything fun or cute, but instead just cried out (and also laughed a little) "i'm pregnant." 



we cried and hugged and kissed and cried and hugged.  There was so much excitement and a lot of relief that it had finally happened.  That we finally knew we could have a baby!  as i write this it's hard not to smile when i think back.  it's also hard not to tear up because to us, we lost so much.  

i only knew i was pregnant for 12 days... however the loss feels so significant.  as i look back i wish i would have enjoyed those 12 days more, but in a really weird way i felt it coming.  we lost the baby the day before i hit 6 weeks and the entire time i was pregnant i was filled with such anxiety about losing the baby.  we wanted this so badly and tried for so long that i knew i would be completely devastated if it were to end. 

i was sent right away to test my hcg levels every 3 days because i had a little bleeding (implantation bleeding)  in the beginning and also because we were working with a fertility specialist.  after each result i would go home and look up other results to compare mine to others and, although mine had doubled, they just seemed really low.  i was scheduled to test again right before thanksgiving but decided to skip it because i was worried that if they hadn't doubled this time, it would completely ruin our day.  we were hosting thanksgiving at our home for the first time... and also announcing to our family the good news.  yes, we did this...  to 30+ people.

the last 2 or 3 days of my pregnancy i had a killer headache, a sign of a miscarriage, even though i didn't know at the time.  on monday morning i went in for blood work and that evening i received the results that my numbers did not double.  i had just gotten home and was sitting in my car when i got the news.  thankfully john had just pulled up and, as i stood there crying on the phone, he immediately knew what was going on and jumped in the car.  i was on the phone for a while... just trying to get anyone to give me any information about what this meant except it was after hours and there wasn't a doctor to talk to.  we drove for a while and finally decided to go home.  
i was so upset and so many things run through your head when something like this happens.  was it because i worried and stressed so much?  was it because i lifted heavy boxes?  was it because i ate something, or did something i wasn't supposed to?  why did this happen?  what does it mean? can i not carry a baby? and how does a miscarriage work?  what is going to happen now? 

i started bleeding that night and ended up passing it on my own a few days later.  the doctor said because my body had already started the process i did not need a dnc.  i still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  having a miscarriage is a very strange feeling.  its not only painful emotionally but also physically.  you don't realize how much your body changes so quickly until it has to go back to normal.  until you are cramping so badly because your uterus is trying to push out what is inside and shrink back to normal.  i spent quite a few days in bed trying to rest. and also hiding out, i'm sure.   

one of the things that pains me the most about the situation is that both my sister and sister in law were and are pregnant and i was so excited to be pregnant with them!  all of our babies were supposed to be born in 2 month increments... march (although she decided to come early), may, and ours in july.  whats more is that we had told people... which meant we had to "untell" people.  thankfully a lot of family members did this for us.  it actually took a while before i could say the words out loud and the first time i did was completely embarrassing and emotional. 

i am not sure why having a miscarriage is so shameful.  i think its because, as a woman, you feel like one of your sole reasons for being is to procreate.  to get pregnant and carry a baby.  to protect and love a child.  and when this doesn't happen, there are so many feelings that come along with it. 

it took a while to get back to normal and i know that time will heal everything.  but we just recently started the process of trying again and i just got my first negative test since our miscarriage ...it is such a slap in the face!  it completely brings up all of the emotions once again.  on top of all of this... i am again on clomid and now also taking progesterone, both of which make me feel a little crazy, a lot hormonal, kind of depressed, and just really discouraged.  i am so tired of feeling the ups and downs of emotions because of the medication and also from what we are going through. 

i know that we are not the only ones going through this and i know that to some people, this may be nothing.  our two years of trying and one miscarriage is nothing compared to someone who has given birth to a still born, or lost a family member recently, or even just those who have been told that  they cannot conceive. 

a lot of people have advice.  i know.  and a lot of people will say that at least we know we can get pregnant now.  believe me, even we have said that.  but can we? just because we have gotten pregnant, that doesn't mean that we know that i can have a viable pregnancy.  that i can carry a baby to full term.  we just don't know that yet.
  
we have been coined that famous diagnoses of "unexplained infertility."  basically meaning that they don't necessarily think that there is anything wrong with us, but if there is, they don't know what it is.
  
john and i both know that at some point we will have a child to love.  we don't know when or how it will happen but when it does, we will be really grateful. 

i have struggled so much with trying to end this post (our story) but couldn't really come up with anything great to say.  i think it's because our story isn't over. this is just a really rough beginning.






 






Tuesday, January 12, 2016

2016 goals



(this is an old photo from summer.  man, i sure miss summer!)

i tried not to make any crazy new year resolutions this year.  i'm not sure if mine in the past have been  out of reach or not, i just feel like taking smaller steps to get to where i want is a good idea for me at this moment.  i am usually all about things like this...starting over or setting goals.  usually by the time fall comes around i am in full swing.  there is something about fall that always makes me feel alive. 

 however, for some reason, this year has been different.  i am in a different place in my life right now and to be completely honest, i am feeling like i am in a pretty big rut, lazy feeling super content... creatively and also just in general.  working from home for me has proven to be a challenge in ways that i had never thought about.  it takes a lot of structure, drive and determination to keep moving forward.

so now i am finding ways to improve my quality of life and to live more freely, happily, honestly, creatively, etc.  

this is what i've got so far...

1. move more

get active and healthy.  i used to be pretty active, but it's cold and i also make every other excuse in the world to not take care of my body.  yes, i am one of those annoying... "it's the first of the year, time to go to the gym," people.  i have a gym and crossfit membership that i pretty much don't use.  time to stop making excuses.  i've also joined this challenge to get me started and i am looking for friends and people in this area to join me on the nike running app (Mariann Reynolds) or to just join me running.  it's always good to have others hold you accountable.  

2. smile

i am mostly by myself most of the day, so this is a little weird.  but i am definitely going to try to smile more this year.  :)

3. adventure

i literally have all the time in the world (well, not really... but i can always make time) to adventure. the other day the topic, "what do you do for fun?" had come up in my day and it really bothered me so i brought it up later that night to john and asked him the same questions.  honestly, i was so taken back when i thought about what i do for fun because, to be frank, i don't really do anything.  i work for fun.  we both do.  pretty sad, huh?  life can be so short and we just never know when our last day will be so i will definitely be making this change. 

4. laugh

this one sort of goes along with smile.  i really just want to surround myself with interesting, intriguing, good, inspiring, hard working, healthy, creative, and funny people.  i would definitely say that i am more of an introvert.  i often talk about how awkward i am.  seriously though, especially when i am working with clients.  i literally walk away hoping that i didn't make them feel 100% uncomfortable with my awkwardness. haha.  i need to get out and socialize more!  where is this amazing group of people that fall in these categorizes that want to hang out with me?! ha

5. dance and be silly

life it just too sort to take everything so seriously.  john loves to dance and so many times i turn down the opportunity to dance with him because... i am not drinking... that sounds so horrible, i know.  i know that you don't have to be drinking or drunk to dance... but gosh it sure does help!  ;)

6.turn it off

i know i am not the only one attached to every electronic devise that i own.  my goal this year is to use it when i need it... working, blogging, catching up quickly on all of other people's lives and drama... ugh... and then turning it off.  especially when i am around others.  i really just want to be present. 

7. be positive

life is, oh so good!  we have so many things to be grateful for. it's time to focus on all that i have and not on what i want.

8. read

i really love to read a great book to read!  we are really into netflix right now, which seems to be sucking the life out of us.  reading a few chapters a day of a good book is on my list for 2016.  if anyone has any recommendations, i would love to hear them!  or if anyone wants to read something together, that would be super fun too.  i'm so nerdy.  

9. blog/write

what do you know, here i am.

10. finish things.

this has always been a tough thing for me.  i seriously don't know what it is about it.  i always have great ideas and love starting new things, however finishing them is always hard for me.  i think that is why my bachelors degree was such a great personal accomplishment for me.  life was so crazy, working full time and going to school.  there were so many ups and downs in my life around this time, but i just kept going... and finished!  and actually finished well!  and now i am a photographer and haven't even used my degree. haha. oh well.  life always has other plans.  but i plan to really work hard on finishing things that i start this year.  or at least really put it into consideration. ;)



Sunday, January 3, 2016

happy new year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!







happy new year.

i hope everyone had a fun and safe nye.  we went to dinner and had a few drinks.  i unfortunately didn't make it to midnight, but john woke me up for a new years kiss, because he is just too cute.  

2015 was a year full of many ups and downs.  we had a lot of great moments... such as our first anniversary, finishing the building process and moving into our new home, a lot of great business goals accomplished for each of our business' and so much more.  

however, we also had a lot of tough times, as well.  unfortunately, because the tough times are recent and still going on, it is what resonates in my head, which is why i am really looking forward to a new fresh start.

i have some really good ideas for 2016.  life changes, goals, accomplishments, etc.  i am also hoping for some really great things to happen for us and our families.  but, most importantly i am just wishing for health, peace and happiness for everyone in their lives in this next year and for the years to come. 


cheers to 2016.





Saturday, December 26, 2015

to our future child




you will be home schooled until high school.  not because we don't want you to have all the friends in the world or because we want you to be an outcast (although you will realize that this isn't a bad thing someday) or because we are mean. but, you will be home schooled because we want you to thrive in all things life has to offer.  we want you to learn at a fast pace so there is enough time to learn about other things not offered at school.  we also want to be able to give you more options than the options that you may be given in a public school.

with that being said, your dad is going to teach you so much!  you will build everything and will probably carry a tape measure by the age of two.  he will teach you about hard work, being positive and also being completely selfless.  those are qualities that are hard to posses at the same time, but your dad, he has them.  he will also teach you about patience, having a good outlook on life and letting things go.  he isn't one to carry around the small things and i know he will pass this down to you.  your dad will also teach you about fun.  i'm sure you will be good at all things you do, but if you're anything like your dad, you will be exceptionally good at baseball/softball, darts, math and definitely dancing!

as for me, i am going to teach you to play the piano just about as soon as those little fingers start to wiggle.  i will also teach you about seeing the beauty in all things around you, good and bad.  i'm sure that you will quickly get used to always having the camera in your face and i'm hoping that one day you will want to pick up one of your own.  i will teach you to be creative and to use your heart in all things you do.  i will instill in you our values and morals and you will learn to say "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" to all of those you speak with.  i will teach you about politics (and i'm sure your dad will teach you his version when i'm not around),  kindness and about being open minded to ideas and views, as well as, the way other people live and love.  
our hope for you is that you will never stop wanting to grow and learn. 
we are patiently waiting for you to happen.
love,
your future parents


what we're thankful for today & everyday




Mariann

1.  so far, a healthy life
2. the peaceful town that i grew up in 
3. an incredibly hardworking hubby
4. good relationships with my parents
5. never having to go without basic necessities, or anything for that matter
6. my sister, step sisters & sister inlaws
6. my father in law that is busting his butt every day to build our homes
7. nieces & nephews! 
8. having gone through hard times to appreciate & recognize the good times
9. the opportunity to travel all over the world
10. my parents who instilled great morals in me at a young age
11.  failure- because you can only go up from there
12. support in order to follow my dreams
13. a great college education in such a eclectic & diverse atmosphere, minus the debt
14. 3 jobs (lol)
15. a humble attitude
16. marrying into an amazing family that is so much fun to be around

John 

1. football
2. my wife
3. our home & everyone that is making it possible 
4. family 
5. instagram 
6. our dogs (sometimes) 
7. health 
8. copenhagen 
9. the candles that my wife buys 
10. best friends
11. new socks
12. gas prices going down
13. my well paying job- who should be thankful for me
14. fast phone internet services
15. my inlaws
16. good (country) music 

happy thanksgiving!



Let's get personal





oh hey.  it's me again.  


i know i said i was going to start blogging again, and then i didn't, so here's another attempt.  
i used to be an open book and share whatever thoughts or feelings were on my mind, however, for some reason i am no longer like that.  i'm not sure if it's age or maturity or maybe the stigma of sharing your business through a social network.  whatever it is, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.  but, i'm trying to step out of my comfort zone and put myself in more uncomfortable situations because... that is where growth starts.  
anyways, lets get down and dirty.  
here are 10 things about me that you may not know.  

1. i aspire to be great, but fear almost everything.  
really!  i have so much fear in life.  losing people.  being hurt.  feeling lost.  doing things wrong.  taking the wrong road in life.  having regrets.  not pushing hard enough.  pushing too hard.  
it often takes me along time to make decisions because i get stuck in this feeling of fear.  i don't want to make the wrong decision.  i'm not completely sure if it's something i want. i don't like not knowing what the outcome is, etc.  but, i just keep pushing forward and the older i get, the better i am at saying "no" and life decisions begin to get easier and look a little more clear cut.  

2.  we are trying for a baby.  
i know!  a lot of people get annoyed or think it's funny when people say they are trying for a baby because,  you know what that means, right?  well, when i say trying, i mean that we have been trying for 8 months now and no luck.  we both know that it will happen when the time is right, but it's something that you never really think about.  you kind of just think it happens.  especially because you spend all that time preventing it from happening because you hear, "all it takes is once."  well, now i know that for most people, it definitely takes more than once.  we will be happy and ready whenever it happens.  

3. i'm going to be a bad ass teacher.
seriously.  this isn't meant to be a cocky statement, but i can just feel it.  subbing has been so fun and i have learned so much.  i've leaned about boundaries, i've learned give and take.  i've learned when to be the "cool" teacher and when to get serious.  i've learned that if you let one person leave to go to the bathroom, many more will follow.  i've learned that having cell phones at school brings up a whole new area of complication. i've learned that most kids in high school still pretend to not like country music. i've learned that i am a buffalo, through and through, and that it feels very strange for me to sub for schools that aren't my high school.  i've also learned that kids are really mean to each other and bullying is definitely something that takes place. :(  and lastly, i hope to god that i wasn't like a lot of these kids that i come across.  holy attitude.
anyways, i have found my calling. this is definitely what i was meant to do.  at least for now ;)

4. i'm always searching for something.
answers. inspiration. creativity. spirituality. new goals. etc. 
my mind, heart, and soul are never settled.  and that is totally okay with me.  

5. i am absolutely obsessed with instagram!
true story.  a few months ago i realized you can search for people and things that interest you and then follow them.  well, my instagram is full of photographers, graphic designers, stylists, interior designers, people that create things, surfers, bloggers, florists, and just some really cool people with really cool lives.  i'm a stalker, what can i say?

6. i am a tad bit selfish.  or maybe more than a tad.
i think it's because i'm the baby of the family.  and also, i have been through some pretty gnarly things in my life that have caused me to always watch my back or look out for myself.  it's such a lame excuse and it's a really horrible trait to have, but i'm definitely working on it and i think i've already made big improvements over the years.  now the trick is to find the balance to stick up for myself without feeling bad and also be selfless. 

7. I will cast a spell on you.  
okay, maybe not, but i sometimes wish i could.  lately i have run into a few people that have been insanely rude or stuck up.  i mean, seriously? whether you are a server at a restaurant or actually someone that i know from the past, but haven't spoken to in a while, being nice isn't hard to do.  and in all actuality, the way you treat others is just a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself (i promise.  it's a quote, so it has to be true).  it drives me insane when people are blatantly rude.  it actually makes me feel really, really angry and then feel really, really sorry for you and your obvious unhappiness.  okay, that's all about that.  

8. a couple of weeks ago, i almost quit photography.  
i just got to thinking about how i started for fun and it had become more of a job to me.  i'm feeling a little stuck and at a stand still.  not moving forward.  not learning.  not at a place i want to be with it.  but deep down, i think it was just all insecurities.  photography is not easy.  it's taken me along time to get to this point.  it's been a lot of trial and error. many ups and downs. and a lot of out of pocket expenses on my part.  i just sort of hit a wall.  however, i am glad i did because it made me look at photography through a different perspective, or lens. (like how i did that?)  i am going to focus more on the part of photography i like, and do my best to learn more.  i want to get back to being creative because i want to make art, not just something that sits in a frame on your wall. 

9.  lately, i've been counting a lot.  
i've actually always counted in weird ways.  as a child i remember counting telephone polls as we drove down the road.  i'm not sure why, or if it's normal, but from time to time i still do it.  now my counting is a little different.  i've been counting when i'm upset.  counting before i say something out of hurt or anger.  counting as i think whether or not i want to bring something up.  whether it's worth it or not.  the little things are sometimes the hardest things to let go of, and at the same time can cause such drama if brought up.  i'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but counting is what i will do for now.  

10. the aging process has got me down.  
i know i am not really old.  but, in the past year or so i have seen so many changes in my body.  i'm sure i can also blame this on (my husband :P) the fact that these last few years of my life have also been the busiest times in my life.  i don't make enough time for (my husband) working out or eating right. also, i've never drank more (than my husband) in my life than i have in the past few years, which can't be good either. however, i don't remember things like i used to,  i don't see as well as i used to, my face and body are not as tight as they used to be, and every so often i pull a gray strand of hair off of my head (my husband).  can you believe this?  on top of that, a couple of summers ago i got incredibly burnt on my face and now it is covered in sun spots.  or the other side of that story is, that my hormones were changing and i got sun spots.  or my birth control gave me sun spots.  whatever it was, i have them.  so now i try to cover up wrinkles, the fact that my face is not as tight as it used to be, monthly breaks outs, (because i'm still 14) and sun spots.  geez, can't a girl catch a break?! 

well if this isn't putting myself out there, i don't know what is.  

happy weekend. 

p.s. my husband obviously hijacked (proofread) the last paragraph. ;) 


Five Things




What 5 things could you do everyday to make yourself happy?  

This thought popped into my head today, and instead of jotting it down in my iphone with my long list of "things to blog about," I decided to just jot it down here really quickly.  
If there were 5 simple things that made you happy that you could easily think of off the top of your head, what would they be?  For me, during this time in my life, and I only say that because I am forever changing my thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, etc., they would go as follows...

1. Pandora.  No doubt music is a huge part of my life.  I absolutely love Pandora because I can pick a station that goes with my mood.  Some of my favorites are Florence and the Machine, Regina Spektor, The Great Gatsby Soundtrack, Kate Nash, City and Colour, Mumford and Sons, and so many more.  It's a given that dancing and singing goes along with Pandora, right?  Well, in my case, it does.  
2. Yoga/Running.  It's not a secret that any kind of physical activity releases endorphin's, but for me it's more than that.  It's also holding myself accountable for staying in shape and being the best possible me I can be.  It's been a while since I was in a competitive sport, so even though the chick with the dog laps me about 3 times while running around Woodward park, I still run faster than the people walking ;)  As for Yoga, its definitely a form of meditation and it's also incredibly addicting.  I always feel best about myself when I can see progress in my body. 
3. Our new house.  Seeing the progress on our house is so amazing!  It seems like every day there is something new being wrapped up.  This makes me happy for so many reasons.  You have no idea how ready I am to be in that house! 
4. Being social.  Because most of the work that I do tends to be working from home, I easily get in the mode of isolation.  Really.  There could be like 2 days in a row that I never even leave the house.  So, getting out of the house, talking to people, meeting up with co-workers or friends, or just receiving or giving a friendly 'hello' to people that pass by makes a huge difference in my day.  
5. Cleanliness.  Whether it's my space at home that I work from or a classroom that I sub teach in, cleanliness can be key.  It's really hard for me to get things done when everything around me seems to be messy or disorganized.  I totally appreciate a teacher that has a clean classroom, desk, and precise lesson plan.  Just to be clear, I don't mean cleaning makes me happy.  It definitely doesn't.  I didn't want to give the wrong impression here ;)

So what makes you happy?  I really want to know!  I could use a few things to add to my list...


Coming Back





I've been "blogging" (not religiously) since January of 2010.  My first post was my "bucket list."  Things I wanted to accomplish, see, try or do again, but better.  I continued "blogging" over the next few years, but mostly just reading blogs from others.  I loved looking into the lives of so many other ladies that were going to school, starting marriages, having babies, blogging about fashion, or sharing their difficult times with the world.  I found some sort of peace in, well, really all of it.  The good and the bad.  However, it was mostly the creativity that pulled me into spending hours of my day reading and searching for new blogs.  Their stories, the things they did or made.  How they always seemed to be happy and traveling somewhere awesome.  I know most of you know me, but here I was, this small town girl dreaming of much greater things.  Anything greater than where I was and what I was doing.  
Looking back to 2010, I was also trying to find myself.  I had spent the last 11 years of my life going through hard times with a relationship that seemed to be falling apart every time I turned around, I was at a job I wasn't happy with, in a town I wanted to run from, and this feeling inside me that made me feel out of place.  I wanted to be by the beach.  I wanted to listen to good, but depressing music while I read books about life struggles, sipped coffee, wore hippy clothes, played musical instruments, and anything else that I felt set me apart from the rest of the world.  
I guess this is why I started writing.  I was looking for an outlet.  Somewhere to put my thoughts and ideas.  Most of the time I was hiding what I really felt, but would post tidbits about what I may have been going through.  Not to say that my blog was depressing, it had its good times also.  
I haven't written in so long because I feel like the inspiration that I once had is now gone.  Life has changed directions. I have graduated from college, gotten married, and am building a house, none other than, the one place I didn't want to end up.  However, I couldn't be more happy and feel more secure.  On the flip side, these days I feel less different and set apart and more, "normal."  More like the everyday person that I was trying to be so different from.  
I guess that is why I haven't written.  I feel like I have nothing to share.  No more than the next person, I guess.  However, here I am.  Back to tell my "normal" life story.  More for me than for readers.  More to document all that is going on in my life to one day be able to read back on. 

So here we go.  I'm coming back.


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Sometimes I come to points in my life where I feel significantly empty.  I'm not sure if it comes from the stress of life, you know, the feeling where things pile up and land on top of you like a million pounds of bricks?  Or maybe things that come up that rip off the emotional band aide that you have been wearing for the past few years.  Whatever it is... I feel it.  And it makes me think... things in life change so quickly.  Really!  I mean, where does that time go?


Truth: I can't write because I can't be honest with myself.
Truth: I lost myself two years ago.
Truth: I was lost then, but I knew what I wanted.
Truth: I have no idea what I want except for what I am starting to feel like is superficial.
Truth: I don't follow my dreams anymore. Today I am more grounded and logical.  I miss the old me.
Truth: Money scares the shit out of me.  I see what having it does to people and I know what it feels like to not have it.
Truth: I'm learning to trust again.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
Truth: I'm not strong enough.  Today requires me to be a different strong.  Maybe a strong I don't want to be.
Truth: I've forgotten a lot.
Truth: I'm better at getting over things.  Forgiving and Forgetting.  Now my heart just stings and I can't remember why?
Truth: I still long for an old building with wood floor and a perfect window that overlooks a crowed city.
Truth: The expectation feels too high.



Sunday, December 1, 2013

A letter of Complaint




Dear Starbucks,

Please don't ever play rap music again.  I am pretty sure it goes against all coffee shop laws.

Yours Truly, 

A girl that's just trying to study for finals.



Thursday, April 4, 2013

i want.

i want a boat to take me down the river.
i want a bike to ride me around the country roads.
i want a fancy car to drive me to and from.
i want a small house full of character with trendy furniture.
i want a career that will make me money, makes me happy, and never makes me dreary. 
i want to take more photos and a room to edit and work in.
i want a juicer that will make me breakfast every morning. 
i want to see inspiration where ever i go.
i want a baby that has a brain and heart that soaks up the world.
i want a camper to take me camping whenever i feel like it.
i want a never ending education.
i want a piano to make my fingers move. 
i want a husband that can't get enough of me.
i want a hiking and running buddy to drag me out of the house on a daily basis.
I want an ipad so i don't have to carry my heavy computer on my shoulder.
i want a community organization to make me do good in the world.
i want a garden that provides food for our belly's.
i want a small cafe that i resort to often.
i want a need in my soul for reading.
i want a small stand that sells fresh flowers near my home.
i want land to walk far on.
I want a week of summer and then a week of rain, a week of summer and then a week of rain.
I want a yoga studio of my own.
I want tea.

i want to often not feel satisfied so that i continue to ask questions, reach for goals, dream, and want.





Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Notes to self...





When you see the girl in the car next to you on her phone while driving on the freeway and you just want to shout at her through your rolled up window,

 "Oh dear, please pay attention! You have a whole life to live!  Oh boy, please stop texting or facebooking or watching youtube because everyone is starting to stop and I don't think that you notice!!  Oh no, put your phone away!  What if you hurt someone!?"

Well.....

 take your own advice!  It's pretty scary seeing someone else do it and it's probably what a lot of people think about you!  

Stop being a dummy and put your phone in the trunk of your car while driving before you hurt yourself or more importantly, someone else!


Sincerely,
oh, you know!!!







Thursday, January 31, 2013

what i've learned this week.










1.  If your car is on the verge of breaking down, it's not the smartest thing to drive it all the way to SF for school.  Chances are, you will be in line at the meters before getting on the bridge and your car will lose power.  After putting on your emergency lights and soaking up all the dirty looks, honks, and arm waving, you will get it started again to move forward 5ft for it to die once more.  This will probably happen 5 more times after that as well.  

2.  Think positively!  Not just sometimes, but all the time.  So, when you see that girl running down the freeway chasing a small dog, just tell yourself that they both made it out alive. What a brave, kind, big hearted soul she was!  Those who save animals... those are my kind of people!

3.  Have faith!  Things will always work out the way they are supposed to.  Money will come, great things will be accomplished, and finding your place will happen.  Just have a little faith.  

4.  Planning your wedding will be fun, eventful, and stress free!  It doesn't have to be a huge deal with lots of stress, panicking, and overwhelming feelings.  It is what you make it... and we want it to be a blast!

5.  Being insanely busy is okay.  You have done it before, you will continue to do it, and you will live through it.  Having a job, school, homework, and possibly a second or a third job sounds like a lot, but you will get through it and it will make you better. 

6.  Go with the flow.  Just smile and keep the peace in all things you do.  Things pass and change and if you are flexible, you will be able to change with them.

7.  Talking to strange people on the phone or in person will be hard and uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier and you will actually like it.  Keep moving forward and doing what needs to be done and it will all make sense soon.  Piece of cake!

8.  You can always count on the guys in your life.  When things fall apart, ( like your car) they will all come running to help you.  Always remember to return the favor! 

9.  Do what you love and something great will come of it!

10.  I'm really going to miss my fiance this summer, but I am trusting what he says when he tells me it will be okay and it will go by fast!