oh hey. it's me again.
i know i said i was going to start blogging again, and then i didn't, so here's another attempt.
i used to be an open book and share whatever thoughts or feelings were on my mind, however, for some reason i am no longer like that. i'm not sure if it's age or maturity or maybe the stigma of sharing your business through a social network. whatever it is, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. but, i'm trying to step out of my comfort zone and put myself in more uncomfortable situations because... that is where growth starts.
anyways, lets get down and dirty.
here are 10 things about me that you may not know.
1. i aspire to be great, but fear almost everything.
really! i have so much fear in life. losing people. being hurt. feeling lost. doing things wrong. taking the wrong road in life. having regrets. not pushing hard enough. pushing too hard.
it often takes me along time to make decisions because i get stuck in this feeling of fear. i don't want to make the wrong decision. i'm not completely sure if it's something i want. i don't like not knowing what the outcome is, etc. but, i just keep pushing forward and the older i get, the better i am at saying "no" and life decisions begin to get easier and look a little more clear cut.
2. we are trying for a baby.
i know! a lot of people get annoyed or think it's funny when people say they are trying for a baby because, you know what that means, right? well, when i say trying, i mean that we have been trying for 8 months now and no luck. we both know that it will happen when the time is right, but it's something that you never really think about. you kind of just think it happens. especially because you spend all that time preventing it from happening because you hear, "all it takes is once." well, now i know that for most people, it definitely takes more than once. we will be happy and ready whenever it happens.
3. i'm going to be a bad ass teacher.
seriously. this isn't meant to be a cocky statement, but i can just feel it. subbing has been so fun and i have learned so much. i've leaned about boundaries, i've learned give and take. i've learned when to be the "cool" teacher and when to get serious. i've learned that if you let one person leave to go to the bathroom, many more will follow. i've learned that having cell phones at school brings up a whole new area of complication. i've learned that most kids in high school still pretend to not like country music. i've learned that i am a buffalo, through and through, and that it feels very strange for me to sub for schools that aren't my high school. i've also learned that kids are really mean to each other and bullying is definitely something that takes place. :( and lastly, i hope to god that i wasn't like a lot of these kids that i come across. holy attitude.
anyways, i have found my calling. this is definitely what i was meant to do. at least for now ;)
4. i'm always searching for something.
answers. inspiration. creativity. spirituality. new goals. etc.
my mind, heart, and soul are never settled. and that is totally okay with me.
5. i am absolutely obsessed with instagram!
true story. a few months ago i realized you can search for people and things that interest you and then follow them. well, my instagram is full of photographers, graphic designers, stylists, interior designers, people that create things, surfers, bloggers, florists, and just some really cool people with really cool lives. i'm a stalker, what can i say?
6. i am a tad bit selfish. or maybe more than a tad.
i think it's because i'm the baby of the family. and also, i have been through some pretty gnarly things in my life that have caused me to always watch my back or look out for myself. it's such a lame excuse and it's a really horrible trait to have, but i'm definitely working on it and i think i've already made big improvements over the years. now the trick is to find the balance to stick up for myself without feeling bad and also be selfless.
7. I will cast a spell on you.
okay, maybe not, but i sometimes wish i could. lately i have run into a few people that have been insanely rude or stuck up. i mean, seriously? whether you are a server at a restaurant or actually someone that i know from the past, but haven't spoken to in a while, being nice isn't hard to do. and in all actuality, the way you treat others is just a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself (i promise. it's a quote, so it has to be true). it drives me insane when people are blatantly rude. it actually makes me feel really, really angry and then feel really, really sorry for you and your obvious unhappiness. okay, that's all about that.
8. a couple of weeks ago, i almost quit photography.
i just got to thinking about how i started for fun and it had become more of a job to me. i'm feeling a little stuck and at a stand still. not moving forward. not learning. not at a place i want to be with it. but deep down, i think it was just all insecurities. photography is not easy. it's taken me along time to get to this point. it's been a lot of trial and error. many ups and downs. and a lot of out of pocket expenses on my part. i just sort of hit a wall. however, i am glad i did because it made me look at photography through a different perspective, or lens. (like how i did that?) i am going to focus more on the part of photography i like, and do my best to learn more. i want to get back to being creative because i want to make art, not just something that sits in a frame on your wall.
9. lately, i've been counting a lot.
i've actually always counted in weird ways. as a child i remember counting telephone polls as we drove down the road. i'm not sure why, or if it's normal, but from time to time i still do it. now my counting is a little different. i've been counting when i'm upset. counting before i say something out of hurt or anger. counting as i think whether or not i want to bring something up. whether it's worth it or not. the little things are sometimes the hardest things to let go of, and at the same time can cause such drama if brought up. i'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but counting is what i will do for now.
10. the aging process has got me down.
i know i am not really old. but, in the past year or so i have seen so many changes in my body. i'm sure i can also blame this on (my husband :P) the fact that these last few years of my life have also been the busiest times in my life. i don't make enough time for (my husband) working out or eating right. also, i've never drank more (than my husband) in my life than i have in the past few years, which can't be good either. however, i don't remember things like i used to, i don't see as well as i used to, my face and body are not as tight as they used to be, and every so often i pull a gray strand of hair off of my head (my husband). can you believe this? on top of that, a couple of summers ago i got incredibly burnt on my face and now it is covered in sun spots. or the other side of that story is, that my hormones were changing and i got sun spots. or my birth control gave me sun spots. whatever it was, i have them. so now i try to cover up wrinkles, the fact that my face is not as tight as it used to be, monthly breaks outs, (because i'm still 14) and sun spots. geez, can't a girl catch a break?!
well if this isn't putting myself out there, i don't know what is.
happy weekend.
p.s. my husband obviously hijacked (proofread) the last paragraph. ;)
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