what we never got to announce

i've been thinking about writing this for a while now,  but have thought of every reason why i shouldn't.  maybe it's because i felt that there were much bigger things going on with others that made what happened to us seem insignificant.  maybe it's because people have much larger problems and much more heartache than i could ever imagine.  maybe it was the fact that it was so personal and so painful that i just couldn't find the words.  maybe it was because opening up to people about something like this can be strange. or maybe because i didn't want anyone to think that i wanted their sympathy or comments to make me feel better.  and who knows who will even read this.  maybe people i know, maybe people i don't. it could be people i don't really want to tell.  but, i guess sometimes healing is opening up and if my story can relate to just one person and help them in any way possible, then sure, that would make me feel really good.  especially because in situations such as this, where it happens all the time, yet, it is not talked about, you feel really alone.  and if you are anything like me, you have already been searching the internet for answers or to relate to a story like ours.  

for many of you that have been through this, my heart aches for you. 

today i would have been 15 weeks but, unfortunately soon after finding out i was pregnant, we lost the baby. it was such a heartbreaking situation, something that i still think about every day. 

finding out i was pregnant was shocking, exciting, and scary.  why it was shocking, i don’t know?  i think because we had been trying for so long that at this point, i was just used to all of the negative tests.  in a way, i sort of had a bad attitude about it.  i spent so many months early on thinking that i was pregnant… feeling every pregnancy symptom in the world, yet i wasn’t.  each month, i would tell john  “i think that this is the month!"  i feel this way or that way.  but, after quite a while of the embarrassing and crazy feelings of finding out i wasn’t pregnant and getting my husband excited for nothing, i suddenly stopped doing this.  it was then that i started secretly taking test and not telling him before hand.  i would see the negative, throw it away like it was nothing, and go on with my day.
  

i found out i was pregnant on november 18th. at this point, we had been trying to conceive for 20 months. after a year of trying we were referred to a specialist.  we were then making the drive to sacramento and paying out of pocket cost because, of course, this isn't covered by insurance.  we hadn't made any big fertility decisions yet, just trying another round of clomid.  my 4th round, but the 1st round with a specialist.  i was being monitored closely and to my surprise was told that i had responded really well to the medication.  in fact, too well.  the clomid had overstimulated my ovaries... which makes sense because they give it to women who do not ovulate, however i did not have that problem.  because of this, i had produced 4 follicles.  so technically, 4 eggs.  4 eggs to be fertilized.  we were stoked... and a little nervous at the thought of possibly getting pregnant with multiples.  although, at this point, we just wanted anything!! 

i had a few symptoms of being pregnant.  not the ones i really expected though...so i pretty much blew them off.  i was also pumped full of hormones so i was feeling things that i hadn't really ever felt before.  plus, even though i was hopeful this time because i felt as if we had 4 times the chance of getting pregnant, i still had that negative feeling in the back of my mind telling me to not get excited or get my hopes up.  

the night before i was set to start my period i started spotting.  i was absolutely devastated and frustrated and felt like it was just never going to happen for us.  i cried as i sat in bed next to john and looked up our next step, an iui.  then the next day came and, nothing. then the next. and the next.  i was so confused, however i still never really thought i was pregnant.  i was getting worried though because i needed to drive to sacramento the following morning to start my next round of clomid so i decided i probably needed to test to just make sure it was negative.  well, it wasn't.

i seriously had seconds to prepare for this.  actually i had about 20 months... but seconds to process it.  i looked down at the test that i had laid on the bathroom floor and couldn't believe my eyes.  john was just walking in the door so i hid it quickly trying to think of how, after all this time, i would tell him?  after 20 months of heartache and disappointment and wondering if it would ever happen, how would i tell him that it finally had?!

well, there wasn't anything fancy about it.  when he walked through our bedroom door he said, "hi girls," to me and our dogs.  after, ironically he said, "maybe we should have a baby girl first so i can say "hi" to all my girls.  he then hugged me and i was shaking and started to cry when he pulled me away to ask what was wrong.  i didn't plan anything fun or cute, but instead just cried out (and also laughed a little) "i'm pregnant." 

we cried and hugged and kissed and cried and hugged.  There was so much excitement and a lot of relief that it had finally happened.  That we finally knew we could have a baby!  as i write this it's hard not to smile when i think back.  it's also hard not to tear up because to us, we lost so much.  

i only knew i was pregnant for 12 days... however the loss feels so significant.  as i look back i wish i would have enjoyed those 12 days more, but in a really weird way i felt it coming.  we lost the baby the day before i hit 6 weeks and the entire time i was pregnant i was filled with such anxiety about losing the baby.  we wanted this so badly and tried for so long that i knew i would be completely devastated if it were to end. 

i was sent right away to test my hcg levels every 3 days because i had a little bleeding (implantation bleeding)  in the beginning and also because we were working with a fertility specialist.  after each result i would go home and look up other results to compare mine to others and, although mine had doubled, they just seemed really low.  i was scheduled to test again right before thanksgiving but decided to skip it because i was worried that if they hadn't doubled this time, it would completely ruin our day.  we were hosting thanksgiving at our home for the first time... and also announcing to our family the good news.  yes, we did this...  to 30+ people.

the last 2 or 3 days of my pregnancy i had a killer headache, a sign of a miscarriage, even though i didn't know at the time.  on monday morning i went in for blood work and that evening i received the results that my numbers did not double.  i had just gotten home and was sitting in my car when i got the news.  thankfully john had just pulled up and, as i stood there crying on the phone, he immediately knew what was going on and jumped in the car.  i was on the phone for a while... just trying to get anyone to give me any information about what this meant except it was after hours and there wasn't a doctor to talk to.  we drove for a while and finally decided to go home.  

i was so upset and so many things run through your head when something like this happens.  was it because i worried and stressed so much?  was it because i lifted heavy boxes?  was it because i ate something, or did something i wasn't supposed to?  why did this happen?  what does it mean? can i not carry a baby? and how does a miscarriage work?  what is going to happen now? 

i started bleeding that night and ended up passing it on my own a few days later.  the doctor said because my body had already started the process i did not need a dnc.  i still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  having a miscarriage is a very strange feeling.  its not only painful emotionally but also physically.  you don't realize how much your body changes so quickly until it has to go back to normal.  until you are cramping so badly because your uterus is trying to push out what is inside and shrink back to normal.  i spent quite a few days in bed trying to rest. and also hiding out, i'm sure.   

one of the things that pains me the most about the situation is that both my sister and sister in law were and are pregnant and i was so excited to be pregnant with them!  all of our babies were supposed to be born in 2 month increments... march (although she decided to come early), may, and ours in july.  whats more is that we had told people... which meant we had to "untell" people.  thankfully a lot of family members did this for us.  it actually took a while before i could say the words out loud and the first time i did was completely embarrassing and emotional. 

i am not sure why having a miscarriage is so shameful.  i think its because, as a woman, you feel like one of your sole reasons for being is to procreate.  to get pregnant and carry a baby.  to protect and love a child.  and when this doesn't happen, there are so many feelings that come along with it. 

it took a while to get back to normal and i know that time will heal everything.  but we just recently started the process of trying again and i just got my first negative test since our miscarriage ...it is such a slap in the face!  it completely brings up all of the emotions once again.  on top of all of this... i am again on clomid and now also taking progesterone, both of which make me feel a little crazy, a lot hormonal, kind of depressed, and just really discouraged.  i am so tired of feeling the ups and downs of emotions because of the medication and also from what we are going through. 

i know that we are not the only ones going through this and i know that to some people, this may be nothing.  our two years of trying and one miscarriage is nothing compared to someone who has given birth to a still born, or lost a family member recently, or even just those who have been told that  they cannot conceive. 

a lot of people have advice.  i know.  and a lot of people will say that at least we know we can get pregnant now.  believe me, even we have said that.  but can we? just because we have gotten pregnant, that doesn't mean that we know that i can have a viable pregnancy.  that i can carry a baby to full term.  we just don't know that yet.

  

we have been coined that famous diagnoses of "unexplained infertility."  basically meaning that they don't necessarily think that there is anything wrong with us, but if there is, they don't know what it is.

  

john and i both know that at some point we will have a child to love.  we don't know when or how it will happen but when it does, we will be really grateful. 

i have struggled so much with trying to end this post (our story) but couldn't really come up with anything great to say.  i think it's because our story isn't over. this is just a really rough beginning.